Hit the snooze button on life Take five minutes out from the strife This is Justin Heazlewood Living on the edge...of my bed

I met Kelly in the supermarket deli I wasn’t lookin’ for love I was just after a cheap chook I took a number and waited in turn Then my ears began to burn It was like that movie Sliding Doors I was Gwyneth Paltrow In a pair of parachute pants It was destiny It was meant to be When Kelly called out sixty three She had skin as white as fetta Nose as cute as a cocktail sav She said ‘what would you like?’ and I went blank To my mouth my tongue was stickin’ So I pointed to the chickens It was like a scene in Romeo and Juliet I was Leo and she was Claire Except I had really bad hat hair But it was just like that fish tank scene All seductive and sultry As our eyes met above the steaming poultry And she said ‘Is there anyone you’d prefer?’ So I pointed to her her her her Kelly deli girl Kelly the deli girl She’s Kelly deli girl Kelly the deli girl

I’m feeling awkward Like a budgie Sitting on Sandra Sully’s head As she reads the news About something Quite devastating Perhaps an earthquake And I don’t know where to look I’m feeling insecure Like an emu Hosting the Oscars For the first time Trying to read The nominations But just pecking The microphone I’m feeling overwhelmed Like a wombat At a Tool concert Trying to understand The intense prog rock Like Tool I do things my own way My poos are square I’m feeling alive Like a cat Down a waterslide If I died in my sleep right now I’d come back A happy cow If I died in my sleep right now I’d come back A happy cow Moo moo moo I’m missing the point Like a fly Sitting on Osama Bin Laden’s knee Too busy excreting muck To alert The authorities I’ve got no chance Like a monkey On Sale Of The Century Sitting on twenty the entire episode I press my buzzer once And get a fright And bite Glen Ridge And then I run away I’m in the groove Like a crab Down the luge I can’t do justice Like a duck Playing hamlet

EXTENDED VERSION: It doesn’t matter where you are in the big brown land, What circles you mix in or who understands There’s always one subject that gets them involved More than sports or politics or even rock’n’roll It’s does anyone remember the mysterious cities of gold? And the crowd goes ‘oooh’ I remember that show, wow man, It was so long ago, I remember a guy with sandals and a golden bird And they only played it once, yeah it’s absurd And details are sketchy, like our brains But it isn’t long till everyones pulling out their faves Cos we’re GENERATION ABC GLUED TO THE TELLY IN THE LATE EIGHTIES SPINNING OUT TO THE TUNNEL IN DR WHO KIDDY KAREOKE TO PETER COMBE Can’t do that on television had alanis morrisiette I wouldn’t mind if she was slimed for her second album effort And monkey magic starring dylan lewis as a lad I thought the banana splits show was the beatles making a comeback Roger ramjet used to pop a few too many pills Wurzel gummage was off his head it used to make me ill And sooty was so cute but one episode got banned It contained a shower scene and sooty was just a hand GENERATION ABC QUALITY PROGRAMMING KEPT ME OFF THE STREETS DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH AND ZIT REMEDY BTN USED TO MAKE ME SCREAM Mr quiggle was taken off the air after it left a kid half dead He tried to turn his TV upside down and it landed on his head Inspector gadget was my hero with his gogo gadget deal But now I question why he didn’t drive a go go mobile If power rangers were oasis then voltron was the beatles Five bandmates one robot it had exactly the same principals Then there was that line guy who’s quite hard to explain He was drawn in white on a green background and he used to come on and say: Mmmmmmbaaah! Hase esu me be su da? Anyway, Sesame street was the ramsay street for early childhood Supergorver and snuffulupagus were people in your neighbourhood So bert and ernie shared a room I was in no way appalled I was more freaked out by cookie monsters wobbly eyeballs. (word ‘wobbly’ is ommitted on recording) Eden Gaha was the quizmaster on a little show called Vidiot It made the pairs on double dare look like a pack of idiots The afternoon show made afternoons glow weekdays at four thirty Hosted by james valentine he made it cool to be nerdy GENERATION ABC CAN”T GO TO THE TOILET IT’S COMMERCIAL FREE PENFOLD OFF DANGERMOUSE LOOKS LIKE OUR PM GOODIE GOODIE YUM YUM IT NEVER ENDS Super ted, tea bag, noddy, trapdoor, red and blue, My favourite martian, secret valley, wombels too Paddington bear, blinky bill, hunter, captain pugwash Henry’s cat, bananaman I hope there’s nothing I’ve forgotten.

Good lookin’ girls take themselves a bit too seriously I want a girl with a healthy dose of irony A girl who can be one of the boys With a cheeky wink and a farty noise Well good lookin’ girls won’t look you in the eye They swish their hair and strut on by Good lookin’ girls wouldn’t give you the time of day Their designer watches wouldn’t have numbers on them anyway yeah Good lookin’ girls always shop at expensive stores Buy a hankie with strings and pay a hundred dollars or more I want a girl who models for St Vincent De Paul Dances down the catwalk and laughs when she falls Now I’m not trying to create any stereotypes Like Sony Panasonic or even Akai I just feel a bit hard done by Cos I always thought I was a good lookin guy But apparently not! Cos good lookin’ girls take themselves a bit too seriously I want a girl with a healthy dose of irony A girl who can be one of the boys With a cheeky wink and a farty noise With a cheeky wink and a farty noise

Jesus was an intruder on Big Brother As soon as he came on two million homes around Australia Adjusted the brightness on their TV sets Within a week he’d won the house over They found him genuine passionate artistic kind And he made a divine pasta bake out of next to nothing He cracked jokes for all ages and races He played the banjo and sang songs about freeing the refugees He got down on his knees Within two weeks Mooks had brought out the urban robe Sandals were back in and kids were wearing halos to school The TV ratings broke all the records More people watched Jesus than The Simpsons And Friends and the news combined He was on the cover of all the magazines And priests were constantly being hounded by reporters Wanting the dirt Church attendances doubled then tripled People carried signs that said ‘John 3:16’ And ‘Jesus Is Sick!’ He was the talk of the school yard The topic of the offices Jesus was the debate of all the panel shows Thousand of homes had flashing Christian crosses in their windows Bible sales reached biblical proportions Meanwhile Christians watched the media circus in awe Just when it seemed that Jesus couldn’t be any more popular The remaining housemates began to plot against him For they knew he would win unless They all agreed to nominate him The biggest complaint made against Jesus Was that he was too nice And a bit preachy While it appeared that he had the hearts of all Australians on his side Jesus mysteriously gained the majority of votes and was evicted After leaving Big Brother Jesus refused all interviews Auctioned his possessions for charity And went into hiding Viewers were devastated Some kept their TV sets off for three days As a sign of respect But then three weeks later Jesus returned With his own controversial prime time TV show Everybody Loves Jesus And it outrated Big Brother Three to one He then released a hit single ‘God Is In The Heart’ And my little sister Knows all the words

I had a crush on a girl in grade twelve Thought she was a snob Too good for me Turns out that she was just shy She thought I was too cool Too cool for her Turns out she didn’t like me anyway In that way But that’s not the point I’m trying to make to you here today See if we’d have sat down and talked For just a second I would have realised an important lesson A lot earlier Cos everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true You are not alone There’s no need to feel blue Everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true Do not be afraid To show people the real you Sometimes I get stuck for conversation I get so scared I get so scared What if people don’t think I’m such a sensation? They might realise I’ve blown my cover And then I think of something to say And then I regret it straight away And everything’s dumb stupid bad And then we keep on chattin and before too long I can’t remember why I’m singing this sad song And then I realise oh yeah That always happens Cos everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true You are not alone There’s no need to feel blue Everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true Do not be afraid To show people the real you This moment is all we’ve got So don’t fill it with all the rot It’s all good or so you say You’ve got to believe it You need it in every way And if you’re sick of this song A stupid pop song gone on too long Don’t forget who you’re talking to Cos’ this song’s got its insecurities as well Cos everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true You are not alone There’s no need to feel blue Everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true Do not be afraid To show people the real you Everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true There’s no need to feel blue Everybody’s got the same insecurities as you Believe me it is true Don’t be afraid to be you Don’t be afraid to be you Don’t be afraid to be you Don’t be afraid to be you Don’t be afraid to be you

It was 2003 rock music was in trouble All the cool 'the' bands had finally burst their bubble The Strokes put out a Christmas album called ‘Santa Cruz’ It was met with hisses and boos The Vines went all experimental Their Gregorian thrash jazz drove everybody mental The UK press were looking for the next rock saviour Kevin Plunkett's phone rang somewhere in Tasmania A bootlegged recording of his high school band Had somehow found its way into the hands Of the editor of NME magazine Cos it's all about luck in this industry Yeah he liked their sound it was raw it was different I don't think he realised they couldn't play their instruments He said they were the best new band that he'd heard in yonks When he asked what they were called Kevin just coughed so The Coughs single handedly saved rock 'n' roll Oh with the help of their music teacher Mrs Knoll The record company thought that they were ready They had their parents permission and pocket money aplenty They played a farewell gig at their high school assembly The very next week they were packin out Wembley Their set was kinda short they only knew three songs Each had three chords and was three minutes long But no-one seemed to notice 'cos they looked so rock In school uniforms untucked and non-curriculum socks so The Coughs single handedly saved rock 'n' roll For at least ten days until the next band came along Kevin Plunkett was the man he had so many fans When he single handedly toilet papered Oasis' tour van Rock!

Weird dream Weird dream I woke up with giant broccoli on my mind Like something I'd watch on SBS late at night No plot no narrative no setting Just my subconscious sweating About obscure people from high school And slightly erotic situations With girls that don't even have faces Let alone names I can remember Stanley Kubrick is in my mind And still getting work Last night he finished off A film clip for Björk I know that dreaming about teeth means fear And dreaming about babies means the end And dying means beginning And it's all around the bend But tell me this dream doctor Why was I milking a camel Last night? Once I dreamed I attended a university lecture At my primary school in Tasmania And in attendance was Dolly Parton Craig McLachlan and Hulk Hogan I kid you not and the ironic thing Is that Hulk Hogan Asked me for my autograph And when I woke up Craig McLachlan wasn't in my dream book

Dr Karl Dr Karl Callin Dr Karl Dr Karl Dr Karl Where are you? Where does all my money go? And why doesn't my goatee grow? And why do my socks all have holes? And what the heck's in this sausage roll? And why did I cry at the start of Titanic? And when I'm wearing Speedos why do I panic? Why does my guitar never sounds in tune? How come Nicky Webster doesn't cover Hey Jude? And what is the meaning of life? Is it to get a house and a job and a car and a wife? Or to slide naked down the waterslides of life? I dunno I’m just askin’ Dr Karl Dr Karl Callin Dr Karl Dr Karl Dr Karl Where are you? Dr Karl Dr Karl Callin Dr Karl Dr Karl Dr Karl Anyone there? Why are beanbag beans so damn expensive? And why does Popstars make me so pensive? And why do we have a natural fear of washing up? And why do girls only do girls push ups? And why do we learn trigonometry? And is there a science to sports commentary? And why is cloning such a no no? Did anyone see Shakira's latest video? Did Laura Palmer really kill the dodo? Why doesn't ice melt on Iced Vovos? Why can't I learn anything on a yoyo? Why didn't I die from eating play do? Is there such a thing as rhyming overdose? Rendering the listener completely comatose? Dr Karl Dr Karl Callin Dr Karl Dr Karl Dr Karl Where are you? Dr Karl Dr Karl Callin Dr Karl Dr Karl Dr Karl Is anyone listening? The answers to all these questions Is yes I mean no I mean look it up on the internet Keywords Dr Karl Dr Karl Callin Dr Karl Dr Karl Dr Karl Where is everybody?

Ian Thorpe was bored Of all the winning when he was swimming Here I am now He said Entertain me! They tried everything from the underwater TV Following him with Buffy To the specially ordered inflatable version of Lord Of The Rings For him to read while he did the backstroke But nothing could put the fire in his belly Not even training in port wine jelly Nothing could remove the frown Not even the deep sea clown Ian walked away from the pool Still in his Speedos He wandered the streets Searching for meaning In a world that just kept on tumble turning They thought he was one of the homeless They put size nineteen shoes on his feet They gave him a blanket and something to eat He was a little unsure A little bit edgy Like the time Alexander Popov gave him a wedgie Well how do you console a man Who’s worth his weight in gold medals? Like Isaac Newton’s apple hit him on the head One morning Ian fell out of bed He took off his swimming cap And put on his thinking cap ‘Enough of this tomfoolery I want to design men’s jewellery!’ He took all his medals down to Cash Converters He wrote his coach a note He didn’t want to hurt her For Ian had a plan He’d always known he was big in Japan They gave him a mansion They gave him his own show They gave him his own pool He didn’t want a swim He just wanted to float in it He just wanted to float ‘Come on boys and girls It’s time to tune in To Australian Ian Thorpe’s World Of Pretty Things!’ Ian’s head was swimming Now this was really living

The first time I tried pot was with my mate Billy in the Burnie Park We didn't have a light it was getting late I tried to light a joint off a barbecue plate but to no avail We walked to his house and sparked up the joint We went puff for puff till Bill had had enough But I kept on chuffin on the stuff We went inside and he made me a Milo It tasted real nice and I felt real high though It was a bit weird Giggling when there was no joke I went outside to get some fresh air My tummy was in a state of despair Paranoia raced into my chest My heart rate sped the more I took fright By now it was bangin like a green traffic light Beoup boop boop boop boop boop boop! I clutched my chest not too sure what to do I ran into the backyard and prayed to the moon I thanked God for my life up until that point Preparin to die at the hands of the joint I thought I saw my life flash past my eyes But it was just a sheet hanging on the line At half past one Billy woke his mum Told her I was dying and told her what we'd done She got dressed She got stressed Needless to say She wasn't too impressed They got me into the car 'Help me' I said ‘The seatbelt is choking me!’ ‘You'd better ring the hospital and make sure the paramedics are there to meet me!' We got to the hospital and yeah you betcha There was no-one to meet me not even a stretcher I had to walk the walk and talk the talk With the receptionist at the front door She asked me for my name She asked me for my stats I tried to tell her I was havin’ a major heart attack Finally a doctor came He lay me on the bed and stuck electric plugs onto my chest It was to monitor my heart rate it was beating so fast It was like my own rave And my heart was the DJ And then it made this noise Aaaaaaagh! I thought that I was dead White doves coming for my head But nuh And then it made this noise again Aaaaaaagh! I thought that I was dead again White doves coming for my head again But nuh Well this routine went on for quite sometime The machine beeping me thinking I had died Finally the nurse explained ‘That's the noise that the machine makes Just to let you know you've decreased your heart rate’ Oh well I said ‘great thanks for that mate’ And freaked out for another four hours straight! While Billy and his Mum read magazines Is there a moral to the story yeah maybe A year later I found out the joint was laced with LSD

So the world’s gone to poo So whatcha gonna do? You gonna live in a bunker Eatin’ cans of tuna chunks? Waitin’ for the news on the radio They’ve blown up your patio! Yeah now it’s personal joe Are you a slave to the newspaper Tabloid bluesmaker Makes you feel like crying Like a Fred Basset punchline I don’t want to live in fear I just want a quiet beer Terrorist schmerrorist I don’t see any here I’ve been waiting my whole life to be this age To see this day Hey Hey It’s Today! 1990’s was time for the guru It’s the year zeroes and it’s time for me and you Mum used to say ‘tidy your room Or it’ll be world war three It looks like a bombs gone off in there’ Well now the joke’s on me I’m having a bad hair day But this could be D-day So my life’s a bit irrelevant But just for the hell of it I’ll focus on the big issues We’ve run out of tissues These carrots have died But at least I’m alive If we go to war Then I’ll give them what for If the US say yes Then I’ll SMS an SOS Automatic conscription I’ll hand them a prescription Like a uni assignment I’m too sick for consignment I haven’t been sleeping With all the news that I’m reading I could never fire a gun at another human being Unless the gun was infra red and their head was a TV I’m doing my washing My underpants are moshing I’m separating the colours and the whites Then I realise that’s what causes all the fights Throw them in together Let the colours run forever And we’ll wear the white pink socks of peace

George bush was the school bully He wasn’t that tough but he knew all the big kids They beat you up for your lunch money And use the money to buy more weaponry Building up his slingshot armery Then he’d sell them back to the other kids He wondered why he got hit in the head with a gumnut He wondered why he got hit in the head with a gumnut This would make him very angry He would initiate a game of gang ups If you’re not with us then you must be against us The other players all agreed Cos George Bush was the school bully When the kids would all complain In the staff lounge the teachers would remain While they were all united They simply said do you know who his dad is? Oh yeah cos George bush was the school bully Beating up kids just because they looked shifty He said you can never be to careful He wasn’t trying to look cool He just wants to protect the school He just wants to protect the school George Bush was the school bully

I said I wanted to be a fireman when I finally grew Well I’ve blown out the candles on my cake Now my dreams come true I don’t know whether to laugh or cry now I’m twenty two I think I need two little ducks to tell me what to do I thought I had it sorted in my teenage years I’d get a cadetship at a newspaper Live at home without any fear And then I went to uni Shed blood sweat and tears Got myself a writin’ degree And now I’m pulling beers Think I’m having a quarter life crisis Trying to decide which choice is nicest Think I’m having a quarter life crisis Trying to decide which choice is nicest I wish Glen Ridge would tell me ‘who am I?’ I quiz myself everyday but cannot win a prize Thoughts turn into essays which I constantly analyse The wisest man in the world knows that he’s not wise I feel like the home viewer spinning round and round No money behind me only saucepans can be found I think my buzzers broken it makes no bloody sound No wonder I’ve been stuck on twenty the whole round Think I’m having a quarter life crisis Trying to decide which choice is nicest Left too long to my own devices Can’t afford life’s high prices Think I’m having a quarter life crisis Please don’t ask me what I want to do The question makes me feel like p** Let’s just call it self employed work experience On the job gaining life experience

Hit the snooze button on life Take five minutes out from the strife This is Justin Heazlewood Living on the edge...of my bed

My Nan really likes Radiohead But my Pop thinks it’s all a lotta noise My Nan’s favourite album is Kid A hey She likes to put it on while she does the housework She appreciates the fact that they weren’t afraid to experiment But my Pop my Pop thinks it’s all a lot of noise Well my Pop prefers a bit of progressive house Paul Mac and Kinobe are his faves He says it gets him pumped him up before his game of bowls But Nan reckons he only likes it because he’s deaf Well we tried to book Radiohead for Nan’s eightieth birthday But their manager said they weren’t coming to Australia this year So instead we hired the RSL brass band And they did a rather lovely version of The National Anthem Well my Nan really likes Radiohead She thinks Thom Yorke is a lovely boy But she can’t understand why he’s always so glum She says he needs to pull his socks up And eat more fish

I'm not one to make a statement I'm anything but blatant Of life I am but a quiet member But I’ll never forget that day When out in the open it all came Had to be that one day in September We'd lost our footy final So on the school bus we all piled Broken battered bloodied and bemused The only consolation From the complete ego deflation Would be a hot pie from the shop we couldn't lose Danno got a four and twenty And Tommo he bought plenty And Simmo even got a sausage roll But despite the rejection I risked with my selection I couldn't help but feel like something cold I bought a Gaytime A Golden Gaytime! Cos this time it felt like the right time A Gaytime A Golden Gaytime! And they give me such a hard time for what I done I just felt like ice cream wrapped in biscuit crumbs The shopkeeper looked shifty As I handed him a dollar fifty And all around me time seemed to freeze It was like a western movie With the villain and his groupies Death starin' my iced confectionary 'What do ya think you're doin?' It was Tommo he was spewin' Dirt flying off his footy spurs 'Is there something you're not saying? What's this game you're playin’ You can't have that for lunch It's absurd!' I bought a Gaytime A Golden Gaytime! Cos this time it felt like the right time A Gaytime A Golden Gaytime! And they give me such a hard time for what I done I just felt like ice cream wrapped in biscuit crumbs Everybody got back on the bus And everyone was in a real huff My best mate Wade wouldn't sit next to me Tommo was the leader He kept callin’ me 'ice cream eater' I chose to take that literally There was only so much I could take Tommo's voice was givin’ me an ice cream headache I didn't know whether to scream or spew The only way to stop it was to point out that stain in tommo's pocket It was a half melted ice cream that we all knew He'd bought a Gaytime A Golden Gaytime! Cos this time it felt like the right time A Gaytime A Golden Gaytime! And they give me such a hard time for what I done I just felt like ice cream wrapped in biscuit crumbs No longer will I settle for a Billabong I'm so proud to sing my Gaytime eatin' song